+++

I feel happy. Not because I’m in love or anything. It’s because I have something to fight for now. I am now the proud uncle of a handsome baby boy. In the hospital, the family waited for decades before he got out, but when he did, it’s as if all the shit of the world was shitless. A ray of sunshine in a world that forgot.

As I looked at my nephew through the nursery, I couldn’t help but feel as if I were a stronger person. And now that I look at it, I now know why.

I have something to fight for now. I’ll be the greatest uncle ever! So I’m going to haul my lazy ass and be the best uncle that I can be. No longer can I be a slob, I have to be a good example to my nephew. They really aren’t kidding when they say that if a kid, no pun intended, comes, the world rejoices. Welcome to the family, nephew!

I hate feeling helpless. So now I’m going to confront this feeling by writing what I feel about it.

Shit shit shit.

Well, that’s a start.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Okay, let’s do this again.

The world around me is crumbling. Just when I found some peace within, the world’s pulling me back to negativity. My friends are starting to go all neggy, complaining about this and that. The common thing among them is that they all complain of losing that “fire” that makes them push on.

It’s hard to bear the bad news. It’s equally hard to be on the receiving end of bad news. It breaks my heart every time I fail to make a person smile. I guess this is some weakness in me. I guess I define myself by how people react, and not by what’s truly within.

We’ve all seen the strong man on TV. Everyone goes to him for support. The industrious father. The gallant captain of the guard. The commander of a unit. The world around them is crumbling to dust, and everyone’s going ballistic. Then he walks in, proud, determined, resolute. Everyone leans on him, and becomes their strength. I wonder, what or who do those men lean on when THEY are the ones who are going crazy?

It’s easy to hide what’s inside the heart. My heart wants to crumble right now, but my mind says that it can’t afford to at this time. I have cried dry tears for so long, and the fire that is within me is dying. Yet I cannot lose right now. I cannot, when so many are having a shittier time than me.

The promise was a response to the negativity I felt about Olsen seeing me as nothing more than just a mere friend. I promised not to let the hurt take me down. When I recovered, I felt like a new man, a stronger man. I wasn’t afraid anymore of her. In fact, I saw what I needed to do, that promise that I made months ago.

Then someone new comes along. Julie. She intrigued me with her smile and her innocuous practical jokes. Damn, that smile that women make. In short, I felt that feeling of euphoria again, that feeling of uncertainty that frightens me and excites me at the same time.

I like Julie. I’ve even considered asking her out this week. But now as I sit and mull over these things, I realized that I made a promise to myself and to my family. I promised. I can’t break that promise.

I now turn to the principles I decided to live on. One of them is patience.

To be patient is to forgo the things one wants in favor of the things one needs. At this moment, a good education is what I need. I want Julie, but I know deep in my heart that I do not need her. So for now, I will strive to be her friend, nothing more, and certainly, nothing less.

If Julie is truly for me, time will tell.

I hope I won’t be crushed.

*Evil laugh*

I guess I am.

Not with you anymore.

It’s crazy, but I think I’m falling for someone.

And you know what’s crazier? When I have a crush on someone, I find it hard to make my words coherent. I shake and become a stupid oaf. When I manage to say anything, it tends to be boring and idiotic. LOL. What a self-defeating situation.

Falling for someone is a crazy thing. I now find myself becoming a better man again. I’m studying hard, I’m taking care of myself more than I used to, and I’m being my usual crazy self again. It’s crazy, man.

There’s this uncertainty that’s frightening yet makes me push on. I know that I’ve no chance with Olsen now. This new fire, Julie, I don’t have a clue. Does she like me? I hope I’m not stupid in seeing it in her eyes. But I haven’t had one decent conversation with her, because of the reasons stated above.

Wow, a new post. It’s been a while since I felt this way again.

I remember her dad being overprotective of her. And yes, he still doesn’t speak to me, aside from nods and smiles. Olsen knows why. It’s funny. LOL.

Her mom’s the fun one. She talked about Olsen, her siblings, life in their place. She revealed more information than the whole time I’ve known Olsen. She revealed something that I’ve dreaded for so long, and I’ve refused to accept. Olsen and her family’s going to move… to a very, very far place.

Olsen did say that she’s not very… emotional. I wish she were. But who am I to tell her that? I know a ghost from her past haunts her; I can feel it in her eyes. Nah, maybe I’m just assuming things.

When her mom told us that they’re moving away, I felt a tightening in my chest. I didn’t show it in my face, but deep inside, I was feeling a damn pain. Later that night, I woke up repeatedly, muttering “No…” in the middle of the night. Please, make it all stop. This is a bad dream.

But no. It isn’t. It’s reality, and I have to face it. She is going away.

Rejection is better than regret

Ok, so I asked her out personally. I felt glad when I her say “Sure, I’d love to.” Damn, I felt like I’d won a million bucks. Then she busts my balls when she cancels it the following day. That sucked man.

So, should I ask her out again? I don’t know if she’s really not interested or just playing hard-to-get.

I resolve to ask her out one more time in the future. If she ditches me, I am so over her.

Answer all these questions with a lie!

Do you smoke?
- All my days, baby.
Are you a virgin?
- Shhh, don’t tell anyone I’m not!
Can you type fast?
- Come again?
Are you mentally challenged?
- Uhhhhh…. Come again?
Do you like school?
- Unfortunately, unfortunately.
Are you gay?
- Shhh! I told you not to tell them!
Do you want children someday?
- No. Children are a pain.
Can you swim?
- I’m going to drown.
Are you Chinese?
- Hai.
Do you like cats or dogs better?
- I like sushi.
Have you ever been drunk?
- Nope. Not a chance.
Do you have a thing for 1 of your teachers?
- No dude.
Are any of your parents gay?
- Shhhh.. How many times must I make you quiet? It’s a secret.
Do people usually come to you for advice?
- I guess not.
What’s your favorite color?
- All colors
Are you happy right now?
- No shit.
Do you like music?
- Ewwww man.
Are you eating anything right now?
- Of course!
Have you ever fought someone?
- Nah. I’m a peaceful guy.
Do you like chicken?
- No.
What’s your fave fruit?
- I’m picky at food.
Do you have a crush on someone right now?
- No.
What is the name of your crush?
- Edward Cullen! LOL!
Are you a vegetarian?
- Yup!
Do you like to sleep?
- Nah.
What is your favorite food?
- See-food!
Are you sick?
- Yup. Better stay away from me.
Do you do well in school?
- I guess not.
Are you heart broken?
- It depends.
Have you ever been dumped?
- Nope.
Have you ever cheated on a gf/bf?
- I have one, LOL.
Are you sitting down or standing up?
- Doing a cartwheel.
Do you know someone who’s survived AIDS?
- AIDs doesn’t matter.
Were you adopted?
- Yes.
Have you ever counted to infinity?
- Why not?

1. Real name: The Flip Side

2. Nickname(s): Flippy

3. Zodiac sign: Aries

4. Male or female: Male

5. Elementary: School of Hard Knocks

6. Middle School: School of Wide Eyes

7. High School: School of Fish. Go fish.

8. Hair color: Black attack

9. Long or short: Short wort

10. Loud or Quiet: Quiet most of the time, and enough with all the rhyme!

11. Sweats or Jeans: Jeans

12. Phone or Camera: Phone

13. Health freak: Exercise freak

14. Drink Beer or Smoke: Just beer

15. Do you have a crush on someone? Yup

16. Eat or Drink: If I don’t do one of each, I’d die right?

17. Piercings: No thanks

18. Tattoos: Does a Tweety tattoo when you’re 5 count?

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: Yup

20. Been on a motorcycle: Yup

21. Been in a car accident: Minor accidents

22. Been in a fist fight: Almost

FIRSTS:

23. First piercing: Not interested

24. First best friend: My imaginary friend Skibbidygooplocs

25. First award: I can’t recall

26. First love: That girl who fought my brother and I in a playground. Man, was she fiesty!

28. First big vacation: Antarctica

LASTS:

29. Last person you talked to: My friends

30. Last person you texted: My best friend

31. Last person you watched a movie with: My best friend

32. Last food you ate: Stew

33. Last movie you watched dvd: Anime

34. Last song you listened to: Love Me Tender

35. Last thing you bought blue bloods: Would you like fries with that?

36. Last person you held hands with: A friend

FAVES:

37. Food: Italian, some Japanese

38. Drinks: Water

39. Clothing: Simple white shirts with funny prints

40. Books: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

41. Music: Ho-hum…

42′s missing…

43. Movies: A lot

44′s missing…

45. Positions: Dude, you have a dirty mind.

46. Subjects: Does Recess and Lunch count?

47. kissed in the snow: Not… yet.

48. celebrated Halloween: Twice, I think.

49. had your heart broken: Yup.

50. went over the minutes on your cell phone: Sometimes

51. someone questioned your sexual orientation: Hmmm… asked me if I was gay. LOL.

52. came out of the closet: Of course! We were playing hide and seek then.

53. gotten pregnant: Uhm, no.

54. had an abortion: No again.

55. done something you’ve regretted: Yup.

56. broke a promise: Yup.

57. hid a secret: Yup.

58. pretended to be happy: Yup.

59. met someone who changed your life: A lot

60. pretended to be sick: Yup

61. left the country: Once

62. tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it: Yup

63. cried over the silliest thing: I can’t recall

64. ran a mile: Yup.

65. went to the beach with your best friend(s): Not yet.

66. stay single the whole year: Always am.

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: My spit

68. Drinking: My spit

69. I’m about to reply: Right now! Woot!

70. Listening to: The sound of a dog barking

71. Plans for today: Train

72. Waiting for: Olsen. (Damn it, get over her man!)

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids?: Yes.

74. Want to get married: Yes.

75. Careers in mind: Writer, Teacher

76. Lips or eyes: Lips

77. Shorter or taller?: Shorter than me would be great. But hey, love’s deeper than that, right?

78. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous turn me on

79. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach

80. Sensitive or loud: I’d love a sensitive soul.

81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

82. Trouble-maker or hesitant: Trouble maker. I’d like adventure.

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: Does breaking glasses count?

84. Ran away from home: Yes. Then I forgot what I was doing and went home anyway.

85. Hold a gun/knife for self defense? Does a tree branch count?

86. Killed somebody: A roach?

87. Broken someones heart: I guess.

88. Been arrested: Not yet.

89. Cried when someone died: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: Usually

91. Miracles: When the going gets tough

92. Love at first sight: I’m open to the possibility

93. Heaven: A personal heaven, yes.

94. Santa Claus: Not anymore.

95. Sex on the first date: Nah, I’m keeping my mojo for her.

96. Kiss on the first date: It’s cool with me.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? I’m not even sure if I love her.

98. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? With relationships, not so much. Hell, screw that! Let’s party!

99. Do you believe in God: A personal god.

100. Post as 100 truths and tag 15 people: Yeah, sure. Tag, you’re it!